Staying Positive

Did you know if you google "positive thinking" it lends to 45,200,000 hits? I've been jokingly saying to friends lately that everyone I know is either crazy, or has discovered they are physically sick in some way. Particularly lately in the economy we are in, there is a level of stress in the air I don't think I've seen before. It's very hard to stay positive when you have family stress, your job is unstable, and the bills never go down.
Being the boomerang chick that I am (aka living with my parents, with no home to call of my own, amongst other things), I find it difficult to be a positive person. I discovered in the past few years that I probably have had a form of depression my whole life. Life's changes are difficult, and I don't always deal with them very well. I tend to dwell on the negative. A LOT. Negative Nelly, that's me.
So I've decided this week to write down some positives I can focus on. Instead of re-thinking of all I don't have, here's what I can do:

I don't a house of my own yet. But I have a place to go everynight that is always warm, safe, and secure. My heart goes out to the approximate 4M U.S. families that do not, and I remind myself to appreciate this every day.

If I don't ever get married again, I can live with my parents paying cheap rent, and I can make next year my year of Europe travel.

I'm still not a mother. But I can borrow a friend's child, get completely exhausted and cranky like parents do, but I get give them back at the end of the day!

Even if I'm not done college, there is still time to finish. And I will, no matter how old!

I don't have the sparkling, wonderful career that so many have, but I have the exact car I have always wanted.

I don't always like how I look, and what I weigh, but I have good health, and can go to my spin classes all I want.

My brother has not been nice to my family the past few years, and has made me cry for my mother alot. But I have a lot of really nice people in my life that remind me they think of me often.

I'm slightly dimented by my parents, but really, now, Stacy, who ISN'T?

And if all else fails, whenever I buy a pair of shoes I somehow feel better, at least for that day.

One Room

I've been living in one room for five months now. It's about 13 X 13. Of course, I grew up this way. I was the only girl and always had my own space. But being 5, or 15, is different from 35 and living in one space. When we're kids, we venture out. We watch (or at least I used to) television with our parents. And we were a traditional family that always ate together at the dinner table by five o'clock.

I feel bad a lot, because I'm very anti-social here. I'm staying with my paternal grandmother, and not taking advantage of the time I could be spending with her. Maybe someday I will feel guilty about this, I don't know. There's just something in me that stops me, and I imprison myself in here every day.

So what do I do in this room? I come home after the gym, and I sit down on my bed. I sometimes have my meals in here. I read in here, search online, update my IPod, and watch TV. I do my nails, and think and think. It's not always good. I feel like when I have my own space again, I will fly through the house, the openness, and feel a new freedom. I think often of places I've lived in over the past few years. Some were good, some not so good. It's given me a wisdom about landlords and windows in the winter.

One of the biggest things I miss is having a kitchen. Women are MEANT to have their own kitchens. I am convinced of this. It doesn't matter if we eat cheese and crackers for dinner over the sink, or cook an eight course meal. I miss buying fruits and fresh veggies for the fridge, and having twenty different bottles of beer waiting for me to try.

When I first moved in, I considered buying a dorm fridge to keep in my room. But it's already so cluttered, I just couldn't do it. I know my limits. I think when I leave here, I will be determined to never eat in the bedroom again. And I'll spend a lot of time in every part of my house.

Why I Don't Want to Get Old

So I decided I really don't want to get old. The things you worry about are scary. Because they're not really scary. I live in New England. Granted, we get some scary cold winters. But you'll never face a life-threatening tornado, sunami, or earthquake here. In July, the worst weather you'll face is blaring 90 degree humidity.

My little shuffling, four-feet nine-inch grandmother worries about the weather year-round. She kept the heat on into June this year. If my father didn't dummy her boiler and turn it off, I'm pretty sure she'd still have it on. The other morning, she is doing her regular routine and reading the paper. "Oh, thundershowers today. I better close the screen." She shuffles to the side door. Opens the alumium door, and closes the screen on the outside door. I don't know if she has been like this her whole life, I have never asked. I know she hasn't worked in twenty years, she has not driven in ten. She has never lived alone. I wonder if anyone has ever studied why old people worry about the weather. Maybe twice every winter, when I'm stuck at work and there is already five inches on the ground, I'll check the weather to determine my commute. If we've had five days of rain, I'll check for sun.

Maybe she's just making conversation. But usually when she talks about it, I'm not even in the room. Ok now I'm even more afraid of getting old...

Boomeranging

This week I was watching one of those morning news shows. It said that due to our economic times today, up to 15 million young adults, most of them single, have become boomerang children. They've returned to live at home to save money. I found it amusing that Mr. Martin recommended parents setting some rules. I've been living with my mother, father, and grandmother since February 1st of this year. There are some rules of my own I'd like to set!

However in thinking about the program this week, I've become aware that my life sort of feels like a boomerang. Initially at 25 I intended to embark on a marital journey of bliss, a house and children. This did not work out, and here I am 3 years after being divorced, living with my family, and nothing feels solid. I tried to buy a house last year, a condominium this year, and that didn't work out. I've been trying to get my degree for 5 years. But life is messy, and it's no easy task for me to keep going and going like I'm the Energizer bunny. My friends lives have gotten messy and my normal worry about everyone tendency kicks in.

So I looked up Boomerang on Wikipedia today. I found that the literal boomerang can teach us some life lessons. There are different types of throwing contests: accuracy of return; Aussie round; trick catch; maximum time aloft; fast catch; and endurance. I looked these up, and here are some of my own comparisons:

Accuracy: points are awarded according to how close the boomerang lands to the centre of the rings. The thrower must not touch the boomerang after it has been thrown. Each thrower has five attempts. Life lesson: We get lots of chances to make the best decisions. And in lots of those times, we can't touch them after we throw them out. We have no control, and we need to give it our best shot and just let it go.

Endurance: points are awarded for the number of catches achieved in 5 minutes. No, we don't have to do everything in five minutes. What we decide takes time, what joy or pain we have takes time. We need patience. This is one of life's hardest lessons.

Fast Catch and Consecutive Catch: the time taken to throw and catch the boomerang five times. The winner has the fastest timed catches, and in consecutive, points are awarded for the number of catches achieved before the boomerang is dropped.. Lesson: we can't be afraid (as I always am!). The more we put ourselves out there, being brave and taking risks, the more we get in return.

Juggling: as with Consecutive Catch, only with two boomerangs. At any given time one boomerang must be in the air. TWO boomerangs? I can barely manage one life. Imagine the discipline involved in mastering two? In the same way, we must teach ourselves to be disciplined. Letting go of everything, no matter how bad it seems, is not disciplined. Letting go of goals is not disciplined. Sometimes we feel like we're going to go crazy. Our head swims with the stress and complications of everything around us. But it calms down every so often, so we need to keep disciplined and focused in our goals through the drama and the calm.

My last point of interest in having a boomerang life lately: Even if we do small, insignificant things, we can still make a mark in our own lives: The top non-discipline record is held by Sadir Kattan of Australia. In 1997 he flew the required 20 metres returning to the accuracy circles with a boomerang measuring only 48 mm [1.8 in] long and 45 mm [1.77 in] wide!

Citations:

"Boomerang." Wikipedia. 10 Jul 2009 .

Martin, Ray. "Boomerang." CBS NEWS. 07/09/2009. CBS. 10 Jul 2009 .